BEOWULF
Release The Hounds! And Behold! A Naked Woman To Vanquish The Hearts
And Minds of Fearless Men!
PopcornReel.com Movie Review: "Beowulf" (the IMAX-3D version)
By Omar P.L. Moore/November 16, 2007
Come and get it: The moment that most men in the audience are waiting for
-- Angelina Jolie as Grendel's Mother -- and naked as the day she was born
(except with the high heels.) Oh, and yes -- that's Ray Winstone in the
background as Beowulf, the title character in Robert Zemeckis's virtual
animation film, which opened today. (Photo: Paramount Pictures and
Shangri-La Entertainment.)
"Beowulf" is a heroic tale of lore that was anonymously
created as an Old English epic poem of centuries past, and for a little while
Robert Zemeckis's film is visually stunning -- but that is on two conditions:
that you are watching it in an IMAX theater and in 3D. And that's for the
first hour or so. After that, even the 3D imagery gets less impressive so
as to finally render itself empty and meaningless. Mr. Zemeckis brought a
sheen and sparkle to "The Polar Express", the smash-hit virtual animation film
of a few years ago, but he cannot replicate the magic with "Beowulf". The
new film is set in Denmark circa 507 A.D. and an oversized and deformed
Gollum-like creature named Grendel has been literally eating people out of house
and home, and tearing them limb from limb. (So why has the MPAA rated this
film only PG-13?) Powerless to stop the carnage, with a slovenly King
Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) living high off the royal hog, his Queen Wealthow
(Robin Wright Penn) living in abject revulsion of her husband's drunken
affections, and the villagers and country people terrified out of their wits, in
steps the title character warrior (played by Ray Winstone -- the British actor
of such films as "The Departed", "The War Zone", "Sexy Beast", and next year's
"Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull".)
"I am here to kill your monster," Beowulf intones. Characteristically
though, one of the villagers isn't impressed, and the non-plussed attitude comes
from Unferth, (a deadpan John Malkovich, who steals thunder in several moments.)
Unferth is as much a coward as a skeptic, and he is exposed as such.
Beowulf regales of his tales of bloody legend and victory. He impales!
He slashes! He's a tearer! He is Beowulf! (As if we need
reminding.) Yes, like Bond, James Bond, this Thane from the sea knows his
job and does it well. Besides, this Beowulf fellow sure knows how to make
a mean stake-through-the-heart sandwich. Martinis on the other hand . . .
well . . . 570 A.D. . . .at least there was an abundance of saltwater to
drink. So while some of the action is good and pulsating, it is also
sparing -- surprisingly less action than one might have expected from a film
whose trailer promised so much.
The underlying problem is that "Beowulf" has so saturated us from the get-go
that after the hour-plus mark there isn't anywhere else for it to go. Mr.
Zemeckis, after cheekily covering the nether regions of the Spider-Man-like
prancing naked male title hero in a bout of Austin Powers-inspired product
placement mockery, decides to reinvigorate interest in a structure-challenged
screenplay (Neil Gaiman & Roger Avary -- the latter was the co-writer of "Pulp
Fiction") by sending a naked Angelina Jolie out of the murky depths as Grendel's
mother. For many men and 15-year-old boys, it is this moment that becomes
the main attraction of "Beowulf" and the only eye-candy and salvation (or
salivation) that the film -- which has wrung us dry and left us lifeless -- has
left.
"Beowulf" is rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association
of America for intense sequences of violence including disturbing images, some
sexual material and nudity. This film should have been given an R-rating.
The film's duration is one hour and 53 minutes. The film also stars
Brendan Gleeson.
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