Thursday, July 8, 2010
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Thursday, July 8, 2010
ONE NIGHT ONLY
Tonight, America: The
President Of Your Attention
Heeeere's LeBronnie! President James is to give a speech
to the nation tonight, LIVE, at 9pm Eastern U.S. time.
AP
by
Omar P.L. Moore/PopcornReel.com
FOLLOW
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Oval Office of Basketball, Greenwich, Connecticut, July 8, 2010 - 9:09PM EST
--
President LeBron James is dressed in an exquisitely tailored three-piece
suit. He is seated at a desk. A hologram of floating basketballs are
superimposed, projected on the plush, velvet curtains behind him. On the
desk, miniature revolving movie premiere strobe lights rotate and flank him.
PRESIDENT LBJ: Good evening America.
These are tough times, and I am here tonight to say that I feel your anguish.
Prime time network television just isn't sexy enough these days, so you are
resigned to watching me and not that boring World Cup.
I've donated an hour of my time tonight to speak directly to you, the American
public, on a matter that is of grave concern: my whereabouts.
The President takes out a map from inside his jacket, then an iPhone.
He opens a desk drawer and pulls out a GPS device.
I've been charitable, feeding the hungry, clothing the poor. My
endorsements and my kind heart have taken care of lots of things. And I
thank you for your unwavering support. Even after that despicable photo
shoot I did for some magazine -- could you believe some people compared me to a
gorilla? -- I stood tall.
America, please understand. I am not a gorilla. I'm just a nice guy
who has never won an NBA championship.
A quick few words about my political party, the National Basketball Association.
The state of the NBA free agent market is strong. And the state of the
Players' Union is even stronger.
As for the state of NBA Commissioner David Stern's office, well...I believe it's
in disarray.
An errant camera shot of Mr. Stern from somewhere has momentarily
interrupted the live feed. We see Mr. Stern. He is holding up his
middle finger. He is not amused.
(President James clears his throat.)
My fellow Americans, I am at a crossroads.
And tonight, there's a fork in that crossroads.
And I don't know whether to take it or find a spoon instead.
In these tough times America, I want you to know that I'm not hungry. But
I'm desperately looking for a ring because I'm going to get married to a
championship. And that's the goal of my second term here in the Oval
Office.
There are three important things America must keep in mind:
We must defeat suspense.
We must defeat the Lakers.
And I must find out where on earth I am going.
My destination and the decision about where I am heading must be shared with
you.
In my administration -- the LBJ Administration -- you can expect full candor and
disclosure from me about my decision.
Cleveland, you deserve my full attention. I've given you seven good years,
and I will make you this solemn promise, the same one I made to you on the
campaign trail: read my lips, no more cavalier attitudes. I'll never take
you for granted.
You have my word on that.
Cleveland, you belong to this great nation as much as Los Angeles belongs to
Kobe Bryant, and there's no other place I'd rather govern or serve. Ohio
was decided in my favor because of you, Cleveland, and I can't ever see myself
letting you down.
So the decision has been made.
As long as you have supported me Cleveland, I can tell you that my
administration will always put you first.
America, together we have never been stronger. Thank you for listening
tonight. And great thanks to that extra special pretentious network for
broadcasting this address.
May God continue to bless this great nation.
The camera holds on President James, who smiles.
(Off-camera, a voice: "okay that's it, cut to commercial.")
Unbeknownst to the president a hot mike captures the following, and
President James is still visible to the nationwide audience:
Thanks, everybody. No. I'm not doing the rest of the hour.
I've got a plane to catch.
By the way, when do we land in Miami again?
What? It's not non-stop?
Where does it stop first?
Did I hear you say New York?
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