Friday, January 15, 2010
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Friday, January 15, 2010
MOVIE REVIEW
The Spy Next Door
The James Bond Next Door, Minus The Martinis
Jackie Chan as Bob Ho in "The
Spy Next Door", directed by Brian Levant. The action comedy opened across
North America today.
Lionsgate
By Omar P.L. Moore/PopcornReel.com
Friday, January 15, 2010
Brian Levant's "The Spy Next Door" may have been better off were it a spoof
comedy, but with its very few laughs it takes itself quite seriously, working
overtime to cultivate a few chuckles. You could actually skip the film's
first 90 minutes and walk in to watch its four-minute end credit gag reel, which
is funnier than anything in the entire film.
Jackie Chan, who deserves a fully-fledged romantic lead role in a film (doesn't
a man who works as hard as he does with his stunts at least get a chance to have
a lady's love as a reward for his efforts?) stars here as Bob Ho, a secret agent
from China utilized by the CIA to uncover a spy ring involving chemical formulas
and other things we are told are valuable. Bob lives next door to Gillian
(Amber Valletta) whose hands are full with two hyperactive children, Ian (a
wise-cracking Will Shadley) and Nora (Alina Foley), and a spiteful stepdaughter
(Madeline Carroll). He cannot tell Gillian his secret, but he's at
least able to show his love for her.
Bob has to babysit the trio of kids while Gillian leaves her New Mexico abode to
attend to her ailing grandmother. Bob has to tackle a 21st century Boris
and Natasha (Magnus Scheving and Katherine Boecher), who are looking for the
coveted formulas. (Note to viewers: Natasha's cleavage, her innuendo --
watch what she does to a kid and a lollipop -- and her exaggerated Russian
accent belong here as much as they would in an episode of "Sesame Street".)
Speaking of which, Mr. Levant's film is more for action-hungry teenagers than
the young kids its PG-rating is aimed at, and the biggest atrocity about "The
Spy Next Door" is that rating by the MPAA.
There's an excessive amount of guns, and guns being fired or pointed at people,
with a vigorous helping of additional violence and knives that is too violent
for a PG-film, and by definition not for kids. You have to wonder
about the mean-spirited bent of this film -- with a leading man whose character
we know only three snippets of information about -- whether the creators
(writers Jonathan Bernstein, James Greer and Gregory Poirier) and Mr. Levant
were all in a wickedly bad mood when they made it.
Just as bad is the cloying, nasty and brainless character played by Ms.
Valletta, who sadly behaves like a magnetic robot or refrigerator the
screenwriters threw dialogue at, poor dialogue that like fridge magnets just
happened to stick. Ms. Valletta is a blank slate here, a wind-up toy who
flails, a moronic puppet whose shrill strings are pulled vigorously -- and
regrettably much too often.
After last week's pitiful "Leap Year" the new
year for women in Hollywood films continues its inauspicious start. Just
two weeks in, and it's already getting to the point where a running counter of
ill-portrayed women characters in 2010 Hollywood films begs to be activated.
With: George Lopez, Billy Ray Cyrus,, Maverick McWilliams, Mia Stallard, Quinn
Mason, Margaret Murphy, Esodie Geiger.
"The Spy Next Door"
is rated PG by the Motion Picture
Association Of America for sequences of action violence and some mild rude humor. The film's
running time is one hour and 32 minutes.
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